It’s not been a good month, and Christmas will be very shit, however hopefully coming to the New Year will be much better. A girl can hope, but after at least 4 years of being extremely unhappy, and never taken seriously. There is a breaking point.
It’s even scarier the thought of restarting over, and my god will it be at least years before I’m ready for anything else. My main priority is my son. Especially since I now have to give up my dream career, because I just cannot focus on it.
The lack of care, has really gotten to me though, but shows right decision I have ever made.
At what point do you stop crying yourself to sleep? Also when’s appropriate to get rid of all photos? Asking for a friend?
“Maybe you have to know the darkness, before you appreciate the light.”
Just a little update, so all future posts may be a little later.
These posts include: NYC and Lapland Letters.
Thank you for reading my blog, and for following. Don’t forget to check out my blog merch and support me by visiting www.rebeccaklxo.teemill.com
This literally happened at 7:45pm last night. And I was so taken aback and uncomfortable, I literally lost my train of thought while I was speaking to my flatmate, who was just as uncomfortable by this incident as I was. I really hope if any men read this, it will be a bit of food for thought, maybe even educate themselves.
I as a 27 year old women, didn’t think I would still get unsolicited advice from a creepy middle aged white male while on the local bus service. Especially during this day and age, you wouldn’t see two men giving unsolicited advice about their body parts. Yet here I am writing this.
I was sat on the bus talking about my tattoos to my flatmate on our way into town. Just between me and her, we was talking about my chest tattoo and clothing. Then while I was in mid sentence, the bloke in question chimed in with, ‘flaunt what you got’ clearly referencing my chest.
I was so uncomfortable, we immediately got off on our stop, and I zipped up my leather jacket. I wasn’t even wearing anything revealing or sexy. Just a blue long sleeved top with a square neckline. It is not okay to but into a conversation that didn’t concern you, and make any comments about a women’s body.
This is a short account, that I wanted to share as it really made me uncomfortable and I feel like I need to call it out. It’s sad that we are in 2021, and this is still thought to be okay.
It’s been a little quiet around here, because seven days ago I became pretty ill, which was suspected Covid virus. However after a very bad morning, and several consultations and negative Covid tests later, I was diagnosed with a pneumonia based chest infection. Safe to say the few days following that, and starting medication has been proper rough…
That being said, you best be damned if you think I will be missing my second favourite horror icon, Michael Myers. So Tuesday night, I donned a face mask, and met with my ex-colleague friend for our horror movie date night at the local cinema. Also I was armed with snacks and drink. I was a women with a plan, if I’m eating or drinking, I can’t be coughing. Sound logic right. I can tell you know, It worked but with a backfire, the intense urge to use the bathroom, which I wasn’t prepared to do. Possible spoiler warning going forward.
As always Halloween Kills is a classic as always. I thought it would be a great closing to a spectacular franchise. I genuinely thought this was going to be closure on Michael Myers. Also I have to say Jamie Lee Curtis’s acting in this is so realistic it’s scary. The fear and desperation in her eyes at the beginning, cuts your soul. It answered some questions, it doesn’t answer one question I personally noticed. But that’s fine because it gives me the excuse for a Halloween movie marathon day and night, so I can find my own answers. I went through an emotional rollercoaster as a viewer. A scene where they’re chasing the obvious wrong person, was so frustrating to view. In my head I was shouting, “IT’S NOT MICHEAL”.
I was especially pleased to see that the firefighter scene was in and it was an epic scene. If you haven’t seen there was a news post from some individuals who wanted this scene taken out because of ‘offence’. All I have to say to that is snowflakes. I can’t imagine this film without this scene. In my opinion it is a key scene, I do have family in the fire service, and like I said I was not offended by this scene, because it is a fictional horror FILM. The scene has a purpose, to prove Michael Myers doesn’t care who you are, he will kill you. This scene totally proves it.
The ending though… I must say was great, although knowing it was not the same original ending. Makes me really wonder what the original ending is like. I really want to know! That being said, the ending that I did saw I thought was great. A perfectly open ended closure to the movie, leaving the viewer (especially me) hoping for another film.
Have you seen Halloween Kills? What did you think? Thank you for reading my film review. What should I review next?
Pageantry is my only and main hobby. I absolutely love it. However it’s not a simple and peaceful union for this individual. Unfortunately as much as I wish it didn’t mental health pays a huge role in my life, and it’s always the devilish role.
It’s really not a good thing, if you can’t think of a positive notion mental health has added to your life. Could that be a reason as to why mental health is so stigmatised, because it is known to be a negative notion. What isn’t great for myself personally is the link that my mental health has on my hobby.
The irony of the shy introverted girl who loves the pageant stage, even if it doesn’t seem it, because of how I seem. I am the girl who dreamt of being a catwalk model since she was 5 years old, yet never achieved that official due to height restrictions. I used to put on pretend fashion shows in my mum’s back yard, as well as practice a straight catwalk along the garden path. So pageantry feels like a natural fit. Or so you would think.
However, courtesy of my mind, after every single pageant I compete in, no matter the outcome. Not how hard I worked in the run up to the pageant finals. I also do not control it, because I am always so proud of my personal pageant journey, and all I achieve as a finalist. I am also way too happy for my fellow sisters who competed too. I follow all journeys and get so proud of everyone! So it really upsets me when people think my post pageant breakdowns, are rude or bad sportsmanship. I can assure you it’s not.
During the breakdown, it’s a cycle of thoughts including:
Wasn’t good enough, you may of improved but you did not improve enough.
Never going to be good enough, imposter syndrome.
Only awarded in a pity way.
Feeling sorry, for not seemingly to improve enough, more pity.
That on a cycle going around and around is not easy to handle. Hence why 9 times out of 10, I retreat to my safe space, and look after myself first. It’s never because of jealousy or being a sore loser. It’s preserving myself. It’s not a fun battle to have, and a hard one with the pressure of people thinking it’s bad sportsmanship. It’s very hard to get out of but also sadly a very public one.
Ending on a positive note, as I continue to navigate this battle, it will make finally prevailing because of my improvements and hard work, all the more worth it.
I know I’ve been very quiet. Though I’ve missed making my blogging content. However with good reason. Although I do not think I have talked about my future career goals on here, except maybe I’ve spoken about trying to build the blog more full time.
However, I know with the thousands of blogs and content creators out there, it’s a big ‘dog eat dog’ world, I guess that’s what the saying is. I would be so worried that I loose the enjoyment I have writing my blogs which are personal to me, a woman who’s a mother, managing with anxiety, just navigating this crazy crazy world.
I do have, what I like to call professional goals. This is my career based goals. When I was younger, about 8 years old, I used to want to be a Marine Biologist. I was fascinated by the ocean and it’s variety of ocean creatures, often writing mini information essays about said creatures or copying encyclopaedia passages out, over an over. Reminiscing on this memory, as an adult makes me realise one thing. The biggest flaw in this past goal was that I cannot swim. I was never taught how, and i have such a fear of water being in my eyes, that I can’t even handle goggles because I’m still anxious the water will get in. Learning how to is one of my adult goals now, however I can’t find any adult classes, so I fear the boat is out on that one.
I have spoken about this on my Instagram account. I feel the best use of my skills and interests, as well as personal reasons driving me to achieve my dream career as a forensic psychologist. This really would be the second most rewarding part of my life, after being a mother. Upon realising this goal, I identified and broke down my goal into achievable steps. Steps towards my goal.
Obtain my Access to HE certificate qualification, to enable me to get a place on my dream career.
Get place on my dream undergrad degree, Forensic Psychology.
Get a place on a relevant further training and experience.
Become a qualified/trained forensic psychologist.
2020 I went back to college to obtain my Access to HE certificate in humanities. I studied sociology, politics and international relations and psychology. This reignited my interest in psychology. I passed and completed my certificate, and gained a place on my dream university course, a BA in Forensic Psychology with a placement year. A great opportunity to utilize and gain professional experience.
Cut to today, where I am actively preparing for this next chapter of my life. Spurred on by the motivation I get from my son, who I do this for. In the aim to give him a better life. I hope to evolve my blog as I go through this big journey in my life, which I am the most proudest I am of me. For more regular updates you can follow my instagram: rebeccaklxo
I thank my readers for hanging in there and following my personal story via my blog.
*I suggest watching the film yourself, before reading my review, SPOILERS warning*
I stumbled across the move trailer for this horror film on Facebook. Lately, I’ve been enjoying scrolling through the videos on Facebook and the reels on Instagram. As a fan of James Wan directed horror films, I had high hopes for Malignant.
Like every trailer, I always assume and/or think that it won’t be out for a while, at 6 months or so. So when my friend texted me saying it was out, when shall we go a see it. I jumped on this opportunity. I just had to watch it. My initial thoughts after viewing the trailer, was positive. I thought the premise was unique. I also feel James Wan is a director/producer you either love or hate. I happen to love his movies.
After viewing, and even a few nights later as I write this, I’m still thinking about the premise of this film. At first I thought it was going to be centred around ghosts. Boy was I wrong. Even while watching, I never picked up the plot until it was explained in film. Then I could understand and see it. I never noticed the connections between the characters and locations. Like I never would of known the devil character was in the attic, not the sewers like I thought.
Now I have watched a lot of horror films, too many to count. And I was impressed by this unique and never before done story it told. I will be one to re watch this movie again in the future. If you are a fellow James Wan fan, I for sure recommend seeing the Malignant movie.
Boy did I miss writing these short film reviews. Have you guys missed reading them? Shall I start writing ones for Netflix films too? I also welcome films to watch suggestions.
A rhetorical question, that I no doubt think every individual would of thought about at least a few times in their lifetime. I know I do at least weekly. Or far too many times despite not really doing the lottery myself.
I partake in the lottery occasionally but not obsessively. I use the very simple app, which is very easy to use and great because you can set limits etc. This is by no means an ad or sponsorship, just an app I rarely use in my life. I’d love to take this moment to say, how important it is, to gamble responsibly whether you are 16 or 21+ (the legal age in the UK is 16 to do the lottery).
Most often I daydream about how I would spend spend the money, if I was ever so lucky. Here is my lowdown of how I would spend such money. This would apply to the lottery draws like the national lottery draw and the euro millions, not the draws like set for life, or huge cash prizes on scratch cards.
Firstly I would set up to half the grand total back into a savings bank account. The idea behand this is to make to make the money last, and passively build up over time, with a good interest rate.
Secondly, I would put at least a couple of thousand back into a trust fund type of account for my son. This would also build up over time, and create a financial peace of mind, so I wouldn’t hugely have to stress about making sure my son is set, for future endeavours.
Thirdly, I would pay off all my outstanding debts in one go. I won’t divulge how much manageable debt I have, but I would always use any lottery winnings to settle these debts, between educational loans, personal finances, credit cards etc.
Furthermore, either a chunk of money would be used as a house deposit at least. Or I would buy a modest house outright for me and my son, this would be at least 3 bedrooms, with a garage, driveway, garden and a downstairs washroom. I wouldn’t choose to spend like millions, as I’d be conscious of running and additional house related costs.
I’d split a chunk of about £300k to gift to family, most going to my mum, but also to give a couple of thousand to my sister, brother and nan. In order to help support them and show my gratitude of how much they’ve helped myself.
The above would be the priority decisions I would make. Of course all while still working whichever job I am employed in at the time of a lucky win. Additionally the next list, is five things I would treat or spoil myself with left over winnings after splitting money for my priority list.
Firstly, I would for sure by my dream car. I have wrote about my dream car in the past, I will link it here for you guys to visit and see. I would still by this second hand, but it would be a dream come true to own one.
Secondly, I’d invest a couple of hundred back into my blog. This would help support turning my blog into a full time career, I dream to have, or at least a little side passive income.
Thirdly, I’d donate a couple of hundred to a few charities, mainly the ones myself and my son support regularly in our pageant journeys, such as Mind, Cancer Research UK and The Salvation Army. I will link these charities to the bottom of this post, should you want to visit.
Next I would invest in a little shopping spree and overhauling my wardrobe. A lot of my style is dated, much is band tees and skinnies, like the stereotyped ‘millennial’ style.
Lastly, I would book a few holidays of course financial dependent. I would for sure work on a plan to travel the world, as safely and maybe twice a year. Not necessarily all luxury 5 star experiences and hotels, maybe the odd one, but I wouldn’t largely splurge.
As always, I appreciate it if you’ve read this far into my blog content. I’d love to know in comments here or via twitter or instagram something you would buy if you won the lottery.
A perfect evening gown is not only a fun time for girls at the school leavers age, but it is also very important to women of all ages in pageant land.
I had an amazing time visiting Ann’s dress showroom, teaching her the rules and expectations of evening gowns and colour schemes to use at a pageant. But also she taught me how to flatteringly dress as a plus size lady, and feel like a movie star on the red carpet.
We tried a variety of dresses and styles in a variety of colours, to find the few I absolutely loved for me to of course return and purchase for future pageant competitions. Which I will do as the showroom is conveniently placed for me, just a 20 minute drive, or 40 minute round trip, to and from my home.
Great attention to detail, and truly finds the colour palate that works and compliments yourself. I felt like I was on the red carpet having my princess moment.
See below to check out Ann’s incredible store, stocking Gino Cerruti gowns. A must for any pageant and prom girls.
After a very public break up from pageantry. And a long standing battle with mental health and my anxiety. But because of this, I didn’t have anything I enjoyed, even with a complicated relationship.
So I did a hell of a lot of research on pageant systems. Trying to find the best system for myself. I narrowed it down to 3 systems and it was a very hard decision. In the end I decided I would represent my hometown, Bristol in the Miss Mystic Beauty (MMB) pageant system.
I ended on this decision because I really loved the holistic approach to pageantry, MMB provided. I loved its unique opportunity to build a platform I was passionate about. And promotion of my best assets and a lovely sisterhood we have created.
My platform is Vulnerability for all. This encompasses sustainability, anti bullying and suicide awareness and prevention. All topics close to my heart. I have discussed about my past experiences including domestic violence and being bullied, leading to my own suicidal thoughts experience. It’s still a topic that’s very much taboo and with my platform I aim to break that taboo.
I am trained in suicide awareness and prevention, with Zero Alliance. A charity which provides detailed training on how you can help someone during a potentially suicidal time.
I also run a sustainable eco friendly brand with my mum called Positive Future Clothing. We sell clothing, tote bags and prints all printed in an renewable energy factory. And printed to order so there’s zero waste, packaged in cute recyclable packaging. You can check out our store here. And visit my blog post explaining this in detail here.
As my main appearance for this is taking part in the UWCB charity boxing event. Where I undergo 8 weeks of boxing training to then step out into the ring in a big charity boxing event. Those closest to me will know that this is a very big challenge for myself. If you’d like to support and sponsor me then you can sponsor me here. All money raised goes to Cancer Research UK.
I have also enjoyed using my finalist position to support fellow charity causes and campaigns. As well as take part in a few interviews and podcasts. All of which is shared via my pageant journey Facebook page. Just search on Facebook, Miss Bristol 2021 MMB. Or mmbmissbristol2021.
If you’ve enjoyed this, and looking for a great pageant family to be a part of then just check out Miss Mystic Beauty on social media.