In light of recent news, of another passing away, early before their time, Caroline Flack (Rest In Peace). I feel like this blog post is very important. Not only to share my story, but also to show others there is support out there, even if you feel alone. Mental health, depression and suicide should not be taboo. There should be more support for anyone in those dark times. As well as some sort of regulations against cyber bullying, media and press hounding and any encouragement to this extreme. The fact that it’s 2020 and this is still happening, without a care in the world, is disgusting.
I’m going to share my story. Which I have kept inside for 10 years +, and people reading this, will only just be hearing about this. But as they say, you’ll never forget your first, in this case your first suicidal thoughts/attempts.
Now I know loads of people hated their school years, and I’m no different. I absolutely hated secondary school, especially year nine. I was bullied, by the stereotypical popular girls at school. And yes, the same girls that’ll be sharing the anti bullying quotes etc. I know hypocrites. I was bullied so much, that I was glad due to family problems I moved schools, but this education move was after the days of going home in tears, telling my mum, it was just hay fever. A lot of evenings thinking I’m not good enough, I suck and everyone will be better off, if I wasn’t around. I was 13/14 years old, fantasying what it’d be like if, if I could hide somewhere, and stab myself in the stomach, or if I could strangle myself with a scarf/belt or anything that’d work. I also though what if I took one too many tablets, anything that could take my life. These thoughts accumulated for months.
Then when I found out I was moving schools, I was happy, fresh start and all that. On my last day in year nine, I was allowed to have my polo shirt signed. My friends signed lovely stuff, but the bullies did not, they wrote ‘Miss anal’ and others, which I choose not to remember, but this written on my school shirt forever, led me to shut myself away that evening, and I attempted to take my own life. I wrapped my hands around my throat, and squeezed till I got tired. This is what those bullies accomplished.
I never attempted it after, but still get those, what if I succeeded thoughts, even to this day. Only difference being, now I remind myself, that I have a son who comes first. To be a role model for, and help him stand up, for those who can’t. He means the world to me. If I had of succeeded 11 years ago, he wouldn’t be here, I’d never have gotten to be a mum, or get to be married, have a career, meet the love of my life, pass my driving test, meet my favourite band, The Story So Far, etc…
This is a huge weight lifted off my shoulders, the first time I’ve shared this. I know it’s easier said, then done but hold on and speak out. There is charities out there that can help, Samaritans, Mind and Off The Record. I’m also opening my emails up. So if you’d like an open minded chat, then I’m more then happy to listen in an email: firstname.lastname@example.org or even private message me on my social media accounts.
Let’s start talking about this, and make it a none taboo subject. Moving forward, let’s all remember to be a bit kinder, in person and behind a keyboard. And think before you speak. If you wouldn’t speak to your children like that, then don’t say it.